When most people hear about BDSM, they imagine all things unspeakable, from bondage to pain to things better imagined, but nothing related to pleasure. In the movie, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, Anastasia Steele is introduced to the world of BDSM by wealthy businessman, Christian Grey. This brought up a larger conversation about BDSM in regular culture.
Today, we would be letting you know what it is about and shedding light on grey areas, walk with me as I take you on this exciting ride.
BDSM is one of the top sexual kinks in the world and is interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism).
Some people have sexual kinks, which is an interest in sexual activity or practice that differs from regular vanilla sex. They enjoy being choked, spanked, bitten, blindfolded, and all things raunchy during sexual activity.
Let me start by saying that it’s not abnormal to want to be kinky. You just need the right information before getting in.
For more information about BDSM, see a beginner’s guide to BDSM
There is no one way to practice BDSM. Different types can include power play, role-playing, pain play, bondage, wax play, edging, sensory deprivation.
According to a 2016 study, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone in a sexual context.
The same study found that BDSM sex was slightly more prevalent in couples on the LGBTQ spectrum, but researchers otherwise determined that BDSM sex was practiced across different ages, genders, and ethnic backgrounds.
While BDSM is commonly misconceived to be all about pain, this is not the case, as many practices have nothing to do with pain at all.
BDSM Terms
The first BDSM terms you need to know are ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’, commonly called ‘dom’ and ‘sub’
Top and dominant are widely used for those partners in the relationship or activity who are the physically active or controlling participants.
Bottom and submissive are widely used for those partners in the relationship or activity who are the physically receptive or controlled participants.
The interaction between doms and subs, where physical or mental control of the sub is surrendered to the dom, is sometimes known as ‘power exchange’, commonly ‘switch’, whether in the context of an encounter or a relationship.
Fundamentals of BDSM
You are probably thinking: Are these things by force? Well, the fundamental principle for BDSM requires that it be done with the ‘informed consent’ of all parties.
Another important aspect is that the acts have to be ‘safe, sane and consensual’. This means that everything is based on safe activities, and all parties are in states of mind that are stable enough to consent. Simply put, the activities in BDSM can only go as far as both partners are willing to.
For this particular reason, safe words are important. A common, flexible, and easy-to-remember safe word is a huge part of BDSM play.
The safe word system is modeled after traffic light colours. ‘Green’ would indicate everything is going well and says to continue, while ‘yellow’ means to take caution or check with the person, as they’re anxious or hesitant, and ‘red’ would mean to stop.
Another very important part of BDSM is aftercare. A sexual encounter within the realm of BDSM is referred to as a scene or session.
Aftercare is the time following a session where participants unwind, discuss the session, and come back to reality.
This is essential for those participants who feel like they’ve been released from their roles. Aftercare often includes cuddling, spooning, verbal and physical affection. Talks about specific needs should also be had.
Therefore, it is mutual consent that makes a clear legal and ethical distinction between BDSM and such crimes as sexual assault, domestic violence, and violence in general.
What does BDSM entail?
Imagine your hands restrained and things being done to your body that you can’t help but shake in pure pleasure.
BDSM can involve, but is not limited to:
Hair pulling
Spanking
Blindfolding
Roleplay
Use of toys like floggers, paddles, canes, fur, or feathers
Use of candle wax
BDSM actions often take place during a specific period of time agreed to by both parties, referred to as ‘play’, a ‘scene’, or a ‘session’.
Explicit sexual activity such as sexual penetration may occur within a session but is not essential.
Thinking of exploring it?
It all depends on you and what makes you tick. You may have even realized in the course of reading this piece that it’s your thing and you’ve already been doing it. You just didn’t know it was BDSM.
Regular sex may be boring to you at the moment, and BDSM is one way to being that spice and fun into your sex life. It’s absolutely fine to want to be kinky. Just don’t forget the fundamentals. You need to have a conversation with yourself and decide if it’s one area you’re willing to try with your partner.
If you are also seeking to spice up your sexlife, BDSM might just be the thing to consider with your partner, just remember to ease into it slowly. I would advice that you do not ‘learn’ from watching porn, rather learn to explore your bodies while you are at it.
One thing you can be sure of getting if BDSM is done right, is that you experience pleasure, mostly beyond what you might be used to getting, because I am sure that pleasure can be gotten from actions you never thought of. The main requirement is being willing and open to doing this with a consenting partner.
While exploring ways of serving or dominating your partner, the right kind of music can also get things going in ways you have never imagined.
BDSM can be fun and exciting, and a way to explore new things to spice up your sex life.
Or in the next century I’ll try putting it in my bucket list